Subtle Changes…. Sorry for the Inconvenience

At the birth of this blog I had intended to recreate a new outlet, one which would get me back in the habit of the creative writing I used to love.  A blog seemed to me a perfect way to do so.  There was no pressure, no editor, no rejection letters and quite possibly no one would ever read anything I had written.  Perfection!!  There would be no picking apart pages of characters that I had spent hours tirelessly over thinking, and then rethinking.  Nothing to feed the paper shredder at the end of a painful exercise. It would just be a place to put down some of my thoughts and get back into the habit of writing; with a few self imposed guidelines.  I told myself that once i became a little more comfortable putting thoughts into strings of words, I would then start telling stories, which is what this blog would essentially become.  An electronic Bard.  For this to happen I new I needed to get back into the practice of story telling, and of some basic writing.  I needed to exercise that part of my brain.  I think I committed to once a week, which became once a month which became, “oh yeah, I have a blog and really should say something”  Hence it became more of an in the mood medium, and strictly turned into what was going on from day to day.  I believe there were several mentions of the possibilities of stories yet to come. Apparently the stories being told were just about me though.

A few years ago I had turned 40, and there were so many inner changes going on that I really needed to put them to paper (electronic paper so to speak).  Changes that I call “42” from one of my favorite books, The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy by Douglas Adams.  42 is life, the universe, and everything.  It is the answer to the ultimate question.  42 is what is happening in and around us.  So started the blog 42@40.  It’s a few years later now, on the eve of another birthday and I’m still thinking about 42.  It’s a lot to think about really.  It’s everything!  Let’s see, theres been discussions of health, running, freemasonry, depression, dietary changes, aches and pains both physical and mental and so much more.  When I peruse back through some of the posts they seem pretty disjointed and unconnected, but then I realized that they are all just mini chapters which are connected.  They all lead to now, and right now is headed in another direction, perhaps towards the great sign on the mountain which simply reads “sorry for the inconvenience!”  Or perhaps it’s heading towards a completely different version of who I am.

Most of my life I have believed that you should have an end goal.  You want to be something and then you become that.  I believed what you do was who you are, and your value was what you earned and what you possessed.  I still don’t know what I want to do, because it continuously changes.  Somedays I want to pound iron on an anvil, somedays I want to make bird houses, somedays I want to build beautiful Kitchens for people.  Somedays I just want to sit in the woods and listen to the critters.  Most of my life I have also been plagued / blessed with Wanderlust.  I never really understood the desire to keep changing and keep moving, and you can see the contradiction to what I believed.  Perhaps my external life suffered from this intrinsic desire, but I also believe it created a lot of who I am.  Constantly in search of something not inherently obvious.  There was always this pull, to do what I am supposed to do and be who I am supposed to be vs. the desire to run free.  Let me tell you there were many middle of the night furniture movings.  Plagued with wanderlust but feeling stuck in your own belief makes for many bruised knees in the morning.  Back then the desire to explore; to be free,  was a prisoner most of the time, occasionally breaking free under so much duress, leaving massive amounts of wreckage under it’s explosive power to move about the cabin.  I didn’t understand it.  Sometimes I still don’t.  I think for those of us with the propensity of Wanderlust, it can feel like not moving, not changing carries an incredible weight.  A pressure that builds without a relief valve.  Today I understand it to be more internal than external changes.

Today it’s about what I’m doing not where I’m doing it.  It’s also about internal growth and change.  I no longer hold the idea that what I’m doing (or how much I’m doing it for) really means anything in regards to who I am so long as I’m happy doing it.Today I’m very happy with where I’m at, but I’m not always happy with what I’m doing.  That in itself is a difference.  If I was unhappy with what I was doing, in time, everything needed to change.  Everything was a problem.  I just needed to wander a bit.  I know today that I’m not happy doing the same thing every single day.  I could never take a manufacturing job, and be happy with that for any length of time.  I could fake it, but in the end I would go nuts.  Much like if I have to drive the same route for a period of time, most days I will find a different way to get there.   Subtle changes keep me engaged, they keep me involved in life.  And they keep major changes from running amuck in my life.  The subtle changes help.

So a few years later and it’s still 42@4?.  Change is still the essence of my life.  I like change.  Sometimes its subtle change sometimes it’s more grandiose than that.  Recently some friends of ours have moved far away.  A couple to the Left Coast and one to the capital of wanderlust states, Alaska.  There was some jealousy in their moving, but there is also a contentment in right where I am.  So on with the subtle changes.  Maybe I’ll paint a room or move the coffee table.   Maybe next time I will have a story for you. Sorry for the inconvenience.

Oh and clear the room because it’s almost time to do the Birthday dance!

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